The Healing of Adoration

Written by Katie Kibbe

I walked into the silence still unsure about why I was even there. The room was full of things that felt both familiar and foreign at the same time. Stained glass windows, statues, an altar, and a candle. Each item signaled that this room was dedicated to God. My mind struggled to orient itself toward Him.

Instead, wondered why in the world a person like me was in a place like this.

I was there because I was a people pleaser who could not say no. One of the most popular older women at my church asked if I had an extra hour per week.

I did, of course. So I said yes without asking what was expected of me.

Little did I know that she was in charge of finding people willing to sit in silence for an hour every week.

Every religion has practices that seem normal to those following that faith tradition. Our church had a small chapel where the Eucharist was present all of the time. My religious tradition teaches that Jesus is fully present in the Eucharist. When the Eucharist is exposed on the altar we can be with Him so that He is not alone as He was in the Garden of Gethsemane. I vaguely knew about this practice but had never participated in it myself. In the pre-Google days, I was too embarrassed to ask anyone what I was supposed to do for the hour.

That's how I found myself, without a clue of what to do, sitting in Adoration week after week. It was so awkward at first. I was a young mother whose life was chaos and noise, busyness and pleas for help. Silence and stillness were not yet my friends.

I started by praying for everyone I could think of.

I read a devotional. Still, I could not fill the hour. All I could think of were the things I needed to do once I could get out of that room. After a few weeks, I brought a rosary I did not know how to pray. It helped tame my wandering thoughts.

Week after week, I showed up. And so did God. In His mysterious way, He met me right where I was. There were times when I was inexplicably moved to tears. There were times when a calmness descended upon me unlike any I had ever known.

It's a good thing I did not know what I was originally agreeing to do. The idea of sitting alone with a spiritual report card wielding God is terrifying. Thankfully, that is not Who I encountered.

Week after week of silence stilled my soul long enough for me to recognize that I was already loved.

My doubt did not change how God loved me. My discouragement did not scare Him away. My anger, my frustration, my fear were not magnetic enough to repel His love. I was safe in God's gaze, wandering thoughts and all.

We eventually moved away from the Church with the Adoration Chapel. But, the unexpected healing that started inside those four walls continued. I now find silence and stillness to be welcome companions on my imperfectjourney.

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